I‘ve been through this process I‘m going through right now several times in my life already. So I know how it works, the processes that happen, the feelings that come up and I also know that there will be a time when I know where to go and what the next steps are. I know all this already and I have the tools and support to move through it.
In the past these crises have been triggered by separations. This time it was triggered by a trauma release in August and started rather softly. It got worse when I lost a friendship in a very violent way and my car within one week. That’s when I asked for sick leave. Loosing the relationship with my osteopath then came on top.
It is a phase of letting go the old in a big way. My nervous system is releasing old connections, old pictures. That can trigger home sickness to old places. I just felt that this week for the Baltic Sea. And I remember having it during my biggest crisis yet in 2012.
It’s interesting to observe that these crises follow a pattern. A shock starts them. Grief follows and exhaustion. I need a lot of rest and sleep right now. My mind is processing a lot of thoughts. I need a lot of walks to walk that all off. And then there’s phases where my mind is completely empty. In 2012 this was so severe that I had blackouts meaning nothing but blackness in my head every day for half a year and then it got less, but lasted about 2 years. My trauma therapist back then explained that this is totally normal in life crises and during teenage hood. The nervous system releases old connections. That means you basically are unable to think when that happens. It’s a bit scary when you don’t know it. I learned to just accept it.
When old ways of being and behaving and old relationships and maybe ways of working and sometimes a home all fall away at the same time, a phase of grief, emptiness and disorientation follows. That’s where I am right now. After that comes a point where clarity sets in about where to go and what to do next. The time until that point has always been different for me. The longest was 5 months in 2012. In 2016/17 it was 3 months. How long it’s going to be now, I don’t know. I will see.
This phase of grief, emptiness and disorientation is a time to give myself love and everything I need right now. I am cared for financially and I have accepted that. I am also on sick leave, so I don’t need to fulfill any requirements at the moment and that’s important. I can take my time to process this and to rest and recover and have good food.